Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Random Existentialism

I create my own rules. I don't create my own rules in hopes that someone else will follow, either; I think that, given my convictions (and lack thereof), that sets me a part from a lot of people.

We spend a lot of time practicing to be what we find fitting of perfection. Otherwise, how do you know once you've found of the perfect career, community, love...sigh, love. I believe in fairy-tales. Not in the sense that women should hold their breath and wait for Prince Charming to come and rescue her from her lonely brimstone encompassed tower all of her life and then realizing that he can love her the way she deserves because he is the one that rescued her and only a knight so noble and brave and daring and wonderful could rescue her from the isolated hell. I think that life should be lived magically.

Keeping much of it very low key (I'm sure that not even my facebook "friends" know), I moved from semi-sunny Carolina to Maryland. Mid-winter. In the midst of a true winter wonderland (snowsnowsnowsnowsnowsnow). As a matter of fact, I moved right before the biggest snow storm since 18-something-or-other, and I've been so content with myself. The weather conditions aren't bothering me. I dug into my magic hat (purse?) and made a huge leap into 50-something inches of snow. The most snow that my warm, North Carolina heart has ever seen at one time.

The move has been existential. I've been having some in depth silent conversations with myself. I know who I am and I love the person that I am. The question, though, is this: in my life's latest chapter (and yes, I do know that I am the mothermind behind it all) who will I become? I've practiced becoming a good girlfrend in scrimmage bouts with shitty relationships. Does a good girlfriend make a good wife? I've practiced being a good roommate but I'm not trying to live with anybody! I've practiced being a great mentor and coworker and when I get a job, I'll show them! I was thinking, though, about kids: I live with two pre-teens and I think I'm a heck of a cool big sister (and they think so to, since they don't respect my authoritay!), but one day, would I make a good mom? How the hell do you gauge that? Of course, all of these thoughts are distant thoughts for the future as I am still aligning the path to take my present. I'm young, and happy with myself..single or not-so-single(?). I'm sure I've expressed this before, but I'm a planner. I know that life does not always veer to the direction that we plan, but dreaming about the future can be fun and magical. Especially if you have little an idea of where you want to intend up (gradschoollawschoolanotherbachelorsdegreepeacecorps? artcounselingartwritingartlawenforcementartartbackpackingthrougheuropewritingbooksandartworkingforthegovernmentchangingtheworld?)My stars! I have so much time to think about where I want to be because the possibilities are endless! I have time for writing again! I have time for photography again! I have time to smell the roses!

In being trapped in my new home as a result of El Nino and all of the windy snow thrown atop my life, I decided to look at some furnishings with my best friend who is six-and-a-half-or-so hours away. And then, earlier today, I decided to look for an apartment. It sounds silly. It was exciting though. Because this is my new life. And I am happy. And grateful.

Be Righteous.

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