Stupidity.

After recently having a conversation about my hyper-self consciousness in speaking to certain people out of concern for sounding less than intelligent and commenting on Sarah Palin's lack of intelligence in a post regarding her talking slick about our current administration, I stumbled upon a 2003 grade-B documentary called "Stupidity". It was released on The documentary channel in Canada, apparently, and in looking to maintain my sanity while snowed in, I decided to do some mental exercises; after all, the brain is a muscle.

Honestly, it was quite enjoyable. It begs the question of why stupidity is "cool" and qualities like intelligence (not to be confused with education) are viewed as less than desirable. Why are apparent simpletons the most successful? Absolutely something that I constantly consider given my upbringing and current situation.

I learned a lot watching this, and was genuinely amused by the documentary. As a matter of fact, having one of my two minors in Sociology, we discussed the topic in a course on the Sociology of Education. In the beginning of the documentary, people on the street were asked to define "stupidity" and words similar. As with any label, it always blows my mind when people use certain words, ideas, and definitions without knowing what they mean.

Cons: largely, my problem with the documentary was a point made in the beginning using Biblical characters as fact and history, but providing no bridge to our current societal state. Also, much of the movie talked around the point and I was left unsatisfied, like he never really got to what he wanted to say.

However, I absolutely enjoyed the point of the documentary. I think that it is important to illustrate and redefine intelligence as it relates to popularity and power. There was some information thrown in there, especially in the definition thrown in about the origin of the word "dunce" and how, at such an early point in society, the alienation of intelligence began and evolved into a characteristic currently revered as less than popular. Check it out sometime.

Be Righteous.

Triggers.

The purpose of this blog is certainly not by any means to serve as a journal; I don't want to describe my inner feelings about the things that have happened in my life. I'd much rather share my opinions and have someone feel me, so that I know I'm not the only person on earth that knows the difference between "right" and "wrong". I'm not a black-and-white type of girl; I live for the gray area because I know and have seen exceptions to everything that I believe. Even outside of the internet world, there are few people I share the intimacies of my life with, but in all truth, I'm one of those "I-can-handle-this-alone" types of people. I'm not big on keeping secrets. Not at all. I'm an open book; I guess one of the characteristics that I inherited from my detective-dad is my "just the facts" mindset. I can tell you anything you want to know about what is happening and I can do it without including my emotions on it. That was all an aside; I just wanted to prepare dear readers for a "how I'm feeling" post.

So. Heregoes:

Yesterday, something happened that has not happened for well over a year: for some reason, I began thinking and contemplating the details of my being sexually assaulted years ago. Some days, it seems like an eternity ago; something in the distant past that has developed me into the force of nature that I work toward in my daily life. I had therapy for a very long time and dealt with the initial physical-psychosocial-emotional scarring constantly reminiscent in all of my actions, thoughts, and beliefs. For a very long time, I hadn't even stopped to think about this - one of the most traumatic things that had ever happened to me - because when I speak about it, I talk as if I'm talking about a friend or client of mine from back in the day.

Fact: being raped happened exactly a week after my birthday. So, for every year after it happened, I was constantly locked away to deal with myself for the entire month of November. It became less a lonely dealing eventually with my incredible circle of friends (who encouraged my epic party-and-worry-about-the-bullshit-later attitude adjustment), but it has always been there. Fact: last year, I did not think about my rape at all during the month of November. As a matter of fact, I didn't even realize the date had passed because I was incredibly happy and well-balanced in everything in my life. I had come to realize what my very close friend meant in lecturing me about "celebrating anniversaries of bad shit".

Even when I think about it now, I block out many specific details because this guy doesn't control the person I am, nor did he control the person I became in order to survive that night. Yesterday, though, for some reason, I really pondered on it. It was a tiny trigger that totally blew my mind for two reasons: 1. I am human and this traumatic occurrence did happen to me, and 2. Why the hell am I so suddenly consumed in the thoughts of it after not looking directly back to it for so long?

I have a tight circle of inspirational sisters that are very active in the Womanist/Black Feminist anti-discrimination/anti-sexual violence/anti-discrimination/anti-average-stereotypical-bullshit movement. One of my biggest inspirations and motivators is sister Aishah Shahidah Simmons, the mothermind behind "No! The Rape Documentary". Last year, she invited me to a conference dealing with Sexual Assault and what the Black Church can offer in terms of support and awareness to victims, survivors, and secondary victims. (Aside, she introduced me to the congregation as her Sister Warrior and I very much take pride in being recognized in my activist ventures and passion toward the movement...especially by one of my heroines.)

During the conference, Aishah said something to me about triggers; that even when the pain is gone, there will sometimes always be triggers. I could sympathize completely. There is actually one part of the documentary that is so chillingly similar to my own rape that I have to take a deep breath and woosa. But that tended to be the only trigger for me. I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm balanced, and I am at peace with myself and driven toward my future. I'm a go getter and a mover, and I am very much capable of conquering all the attempts to intimidate me. I am strong, and I accept myself. I overstand the things I am confronted with. I am livication. Yesterday, though, the thoughts of my own traumatization really threw me off.

I truly believe that one of my purposes in life while I'm busy snatching pearls from my oyster-of-a-world is to serve as an inspiration to survivors and to work toward a brighter path to healing, if there is a such thing. I am glad that I was brought to a place where I had to face myself yesterday. I tend to forget that I am human at times, and I push myself to my own limits. I'm grateful.

Be Righteous.

Attitudes Toward Rape.

One of the more sickening things of my experiences as an activist and self-proclaimed cultural anthropologist, if you will, is examining the attitudes that are prevalent in certain communities and trying to understand why they are the way they are. For instance, for my undergraduate thesis, I wrote about the historical evolution of rape in Black women (by all men, not just intra-racially) in American society from slavery to contemporary times. I also examined the current resources available, and the criticisms of what may be lacking. Aside, I am quite proud of this work because I think that working toward such a cause can, hopefully, yield awareness and enlightenment. I think that the Black community subconsciously recycles poisonous attitudes about many issues, and the main issue that I find myself concerned with is sexual abuse and domestic violence as it relates to any person; self-care is important in dealing with said issue and Black women are traditionally handed an attitude that says "take care of your community" instead of "take care of yourself". I have also found that a contemporary split in this mindset is the fact that Black women are taught so many different things about identity: who are we? Who are we supposed to be? What are we supposed to look like? Is this sexy? How old should we be before we have kids? Is marriage an option? There is a constant identity crisis..and this reinforces negative concepts and victim blaming in the minds of many Black women without thoroughly evaluating why our opinions are as they are.

I know I should not be surprised when visiting mediatakeout.com (which I do not take seriously by any means; I truly go visit to research the interactions encouraged by online commenters and moderators..it's a project I've been working on for another book idea I am toying with). At any rate, I am never really surprised at the ignorance and stereotypical slander that is thrown around the site. For example, an article was recently posted about the rape allegations thrown toward NFL's Michael Irvin. Apprently, there is a civil suit in place about a sexual assault that allegedly occured in 2007. People tend to think that the court system works a lot like Law and Order, and it clearly does not happen that quickly -- whether civil or criminal. And often times, criminal charges are not filed for a variety of reasons. Aside, though, some of the comments were intensely disrespectful and it made me wonder...what OTHER ways are there to get the message out about the appropriate measures in dealing with sexual assault? I do understand that not every "victim" claiming to be a "victim" is truthful. However, why not err on the side of caution? There are so many reasons that abuse is not reported, and many of these deal with the victims own guilt/doubt about the attack. Anyway, some comments are as follows:

These celebs better start filming sh*t for vindication later... I don't think he did that crap! Disgruntled whore that's all. Sucks he lost his job

Women nowadays are becoming more scandalous.

Dam shame! That's some real live BS tho. If it happened in 07', why she feel da need 2 come 4ward in 2010? And when will these famous guys quit f-ing their life up 4 a piece of puss that is plottin on yall a*s from da get! stop smashin those triflin ho*s & find a real woman! I don't feel sorry 4 u, or Kobe, or Tyson etc.

This is why I stay away from black men. Sistas you gambling with your life when you stay with black men.

damn

why u wait so long to press charges

she grown, why is she being identified as a jane doe--was she a minor when this supposed to have happened...need more info cuz fred has confused me

Ok so SHE drank too much alcohol to the point of her losing all of her faculties right?..See They need surveillance cameras to prove this one.Becoz if she walked to that room on her own accord with 2 men?...The Prosecution has no case.What ever she does once she gets inside that room is on her...She was a grown woman,1 woman 2 men?..you do the math!..But If this IS true in ANY sense, Mike should be ashamed of himself...isn't he married,and supposedly a Christian Man?.*shruggz*...He shouldn't even be caught up in no mess like this!..

No proof of wrongdoing & he still loses his job. That's that bullsh*t. Why would a rich man rape a bitch in the wh0re capital of America anyway? Them bunny ranch wh0res are cleaner than most regular chicks. This story reeks of bullsh*t.

BLACK MEN ARE THEIR OWN WORST ENEMY AND REALLY S T U P I D!! When Jane Doe gets identified, and eventually she will, watch her real name be B E C K Y! DUMBASS BLACK GUYS! HA, HA!!

It's ourageous, and sickening. The victim's race wasn't identified, and you know what - that's cool. This is about the overall attitude toward rape/sexual assault accusations. I do what I can, but what else can I do? How else do we reach the people? How do we open the minds of the apparent younger generation?

Be Righteous.

The Safe Negro Match-Maker

Well, I know it's quite silly to take a (two?) month haitus from a blog that just started, but my life is seemingly a perpetual state of chaos. I did think of quite a few things to share with the blog universe, but the opportunity to sit and unload my mind was just too far buried under the long work days (and nights), and the moves that I've been making.

The good news? I'm back!

Well, something that I've been most interested in sharing with the rest of the internet is a series of incidents that occured between myself and a white woman that I worked with at one of my several jobs. While I understand that "2010" doesn't necessarily translate to social intelligence any more than "1910", it always befuddles me when people make racially based assumptions about a person they barely know. What's more is that in "post-racial America", people are losing sight of what's actually appropriate .

So, said lady is an intern, actually, and an older woman. She was sent to various local restaurants in search of donations for an event, and when she came back, the conversation was as follows:

Intern: I found the perfect man for you.
Me: (awkwardly) oh?
Intern: Yes. He owns the Zaxby's around the corner, and he is...well -- just a really attractive Black man.
Me: (Not feeding into it) Umm..oh.
Intern: I mean, just an attractive Black man.
Me: Um, well. i'm..not...really...looking for...anything.
Intern: Man! I didn't look to see if he had on a wedding ring. I've been married for twenty-somethin' years, and so I just avoid peeking at that finger at all.

Pause.First set of assumptions: I'm young and single (and likely discontent with being so), and as such, I would love anybody to hook me up with any Black man they can find. Because I only like men, and only if they are Black.

Me: (Ignoring intern and completing notes)
Intern: (to nearly everyone in my part of the office) Guys, I found the perfect guy for Livication!
Me: (long sigh)
Intern: (to me) He drives a really nice SUV too.
Me: (trying to avoid being rude) Oh?
Intern: Yeah, a Jeep I think. None of those rims on it or anything.

Pause.Second set of assumptions: She should be praised and glorified for having found my soulmate, since all you have to do is put a Black man and woman in the room together for them to fall in love. And no rims? He's a safe negro and not a thug, so I'll love him. Regardless of my upbringing or general taste, my having a college education automatically makes me more attracted to Blair Underwood than Lil Weezy.

Me: Please...stop...
Intern: I mean, I'm telling you...he's got money because he owns a Zaxby's.
Me: Isn't Zaxby's a fastfood restaurant?
Intern: Yeah, but he's the owner of this one.
Me: (long sigh, and then under my breath) Well, you know how us coloreds love chicken..
Intern: Oh, and his name is Samuel; a good, strong, Biblical name.

Pause. Third set of assumptions and major fuckeduppedness: Fact - Black people enjoy chicken. They can enjoy free chicken together. Also, those Coloreds are intensely religious; I'm quite sure that the fact that his name is Biblical will sway her toward him. Religion is okay to discuss in the work place because we are all Christians! For the record, I am without any formal religious affiliation.

After this, I walked out of the room for a while. She did, however, encourage the rest of the (white) volunteers to discuss this because she felt she had done something great. Telling her to lay off didn't help, and going off on her would have encouraged the angry Black woman to come out.

I could not have made up something more bizarre. It was completely surreal in the most awful and awkward way. I mean, what the hell? What part of any of that was appropriate?

My Own Womanism

I really intended to be more consistent in my posting, but I rarely sleep and am constantly tied up working on one thing or another. While working tonight, the trackball on my Blackberry stopped working, and I know that this may not be a crisis to most. In fact, my boss rang me on the phone at work and asked why the evening was so chaotic, and that was the icing on my cake! She replied, "oh, maybe you'll sleep tonight then!"

...but maybe not, blogworld. I had two incredible blog topics to write on that were experiences from my workplace, but when you work 65 hours a week, you just plum can't think about work outside of working. I've had a serious case of writer's block, even with the added inspiration; I'm sure that I've yet to write because, beyond lacking the time, I can't figure out how to properly express myself. I suppose I am still in a place of development.

At any rate, 2:13am doesn't appear to be much different from the last week of writer's block, and so I thought to re-post some of my writings from my old online blog. This was written over a year ago and I think it exemplifies a little of what I find Womanism/Black Feminism to be about.

...and it goes a li'l something like this:

A (not-so-brief) Public Service Announcement.

* Sep. 15th, 2008 at 3:45 PM

A slightly difficult thing for me to admit to myself is the fact that, even in my eclectic nature, people continually (and, dare I say, increasingly) find it difficult to relate to my based on the rules and personal laws that I abide by versus the image they have of who I should be as a Black woman. Majorly, all types of people have a difficult time with my lack of affiliation with an official religious group. I do have an issue with people challenging the validity of the things I believe, though, about being a Black woman. Womanism, or black feminism, is a very important concept in my life. As I have said before, it is very difficult for me to divorce my blackness from my womanhood and I truly believe that both are equal and essential concepts to who I am as an individual (most specifically, [Livication]) and how I choose to live.

I am a very bold and opinionated woman, and many people do not find this out until they test their boundaries and/or disrespect who I am. Growing up under the circumstances I did, I constantly had to prove my Blackness to my peers. For instance, my siblings and I were a set of the few Black children that we knew with both parents until we moved from the neighborhood that I was born into. I was teased for being in "white" (Academically Gifted) classes in elementary school and junior high. I wanted to do poorly and not be on the honor roll so that kids wouldn't regard me as less than Black, because my mother raised me with such pride in Black womanhood! This reminds me of an article that I read for one of my classes suggesting that girls, in general, tend to perform poorly in middle school in order to impress boys socially.

And any rate, I participated in a marathon shouting match over the course of the entire day yesterday and two primary things toward the tail end of the conversation (minus the idea that exercising my independence as a woman in 2008 is a whorish act) were: 1) the principles that I subscribe to are arguments that can be described as "white feminist bullshit" -- created by rich, white men to mainly benefit themselves sexually and economically and 2) the idea that things are created equally, but are not equal.

Are we all created with equal efforts but with an imbalanced sense of worth or purpose? If the answer is yes, then weren't slave masters justified in what they believed about the purpose of Blacks on earth? The "equal versus equally" argument struck a nerve with me, but it also made me reflect on my belief about the yin and yang and the importance of balance. Just based on the image of the yin and yang, they are both equal and complementary; the difference is in color and nature.
I do believe that there are universal laws that everyone should adhere to; what I do not believe is that I should insult people -- and entire movements -- based on my disagreeing. In the past, I have wasted a lot of energy arguing religion with the people who ask for it based on their lack of understanding of my character; after all, how can I live my life both morally and upright, and not believe in Jesus or Mohammad?

I know that I am not typical for a 21 year old Black woman (who grew up in the South), and I would like to continue to believe that my experiences have shaped who I am and who I am still working on becoming. The arguments that I have read about Black feminism from the perspective of many Black men is that the movement betrays the entire race because white women have tricked us into abandoning the quest for equal rights for the entire race to just seeking rights that benefit them (additionally, I would like to point out that in its inception, white women were not entirely with the idea that Black women be allowed to join the movement because it would compromise their potential for gaining the equal rights).

If I may reiterate, from an earlier post:

"I love being a Black woman. I love my Black skin, I love my kinky/coily/curly (otherwise known as "nappy";)hair, I love being a goddess. After undergrad, I want to devote my life to what I believe my true purpose is: (re)strengthening the Black woman and helping her to realize her true potential.
Loving being Black does not mean I do not like white people. Humanism is the big idea, to me."

If there is one thing that my father forced me to internalize (besides my competitive nature, know-it-all personality, and nail-spitting temper) is a rule about disrespect that I am still learning to enforce (because I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt way too often). When I was in high school, I got into an altercation with a guy (he smacked me -- I wouldn't put out), I told my father of a situation (making it hypothetical, with a "friend") similar and he looked at me and said, "don't ever let anybody disrespect you" (Oddly enough, my father was the catalyst of much of the disrespect I've had to deal with my entire life, and my rebellion against it caused a strain on our relationship).

My tolerance level for disrespect has a very tiny threshold. Small things like lies certainly make it difficult for someone like me (who believes in a lot but is quite reluctant to share in order to avoid conflict) to trust another person, but I do not think I have stopped speaking to a person based on their lack of truthfulness; I have, however, cut people off for disrespecting me (insinuating that my independence is in vain, criticizing the things that I (do not) believe in, and speaking to me as though I am less than what I am).

I need to focus on myself (I've been saying it for a year or so, I know) and my overall mental (and academic) well-being right now. In such, I am deciding to avoid dating and relationships until after my undergraduate career, because I have so much to focus on this year and I already feel overwhelmed. I doubt that I am at a place in life to find the yin to my yang (besides my best friend/cousin). I can't say that I've yet to find a person that is both complimentary to my nature and aware of their equality in purpose. I just want a John Lennon-Yoko Ono relationship -- egalitarian (one of those white feminist bullshit principles), and full of love derived from a deeper social and intellectual purpose. I'm not searching for it, but my ultimate goal is to know someone who can balance my characteristics and quest for revolution.

Black feminist or not (because we all know how I feel about labels in general -- the proof is in the puddin'), the nature of who I am as [Livication] is ever evolving, and I certainly refuse to be disrespect and held down by oppressive values and opposition.

Be Rightous.

Cop Killer?

As a member of the Black community (and I am a member, I'll show you my card) and a cop's kid, I sometimes find myself emotionally confused with certain issues, and I have no reservations with deciding not to form an opinion. Growing up was cool for me; I grew up around the corner from the projects and next door to the hood, but I had both my parents and I was cared for. I played kickball on the street and had to come in when the street lights came on. I knew people who were involved with things that were less than legal, and yes, I did have a drunk addict of an uncle. Well, maybe even more than one.

But, I am a cop's kid. Not-so-recently, a friend of mine was telling me about a documentary ("SNBN: Snitch Nigga, Bitch Nigga") that talks about snitching and the Black community. He then called into question my street credibility and asked me if it was difficult to make Black friends growing up since my pops is "the boys". My answer: anyone who would decide that I would be a liability to them based on my parents' occupations probably isn't worth having as a friend. I mean, we probably aren't interested in the same activities if my mother's social work and activism in low income areas and my father's position as an officer of the law (and a very active, card carrying member of the Black community) bothers someone, they may be involved with things that I shouldn't be.

I did go through a radical period in my life where I hated, questioned everything my father did and stood for as an officer of the law. How could he? How could he work for and support a system that has historically fought against Black people? How could he want to defend the justice for some and not all? And then one day, I opened my eyes and thought: he should be applauded. Would I rather potentially racist white cops police low income, predominately Black neigborhoods? Heck no. Pops isn't on the side of whitey, he's on the side of justice. Cut him some slack.The truth is, he probably deals with the same struggle daily. My father and I have had quite the volitile relationship, but we are very much alike. He's a cool dude; has the same struggles with hip hop as I do. Before my pops was an army man and in with the police, he was a disc jockey! I mean, my cop-father is so cool that he raised me listening to Public Enemy and NWA. I know that it has to be a struggle for him; and I sincerely applaud Black officers who can do their job without having to throw on their Uncle Tom suit everyday. It has to be difficult, and that's why my pops exposed me to the good and the bad. Unfortunately, he is also where I get my know-it-all, i'm-gonna-be-right-and-i-just-don't-give-a..what attitude.

I do sympathize with the law, being a cop's kid, a follower of the law, a holder of a BA in Criminal Justice, sometimes having the desire to work for the police; however, I can admittedly sometimes sympathize with Black perpetrators of certain types of crimes.

A Black man in Seattle recently shot and killed some local police officers. He's Black. They're white. What is my initial reaction? I don't know. What were the circumstances of the situation? I don't know anything about him or his situation, or many details about his murdering the officers. Just that the news has labeled this man a cop killer. Was he provoked? What did the officers do? These officers are parents! Would he have popped a Black cop? What if he shot my dad?

I pretty much sided with, I hope the truth comes to light. I hope he gets what he deserves. I wish peace for the officers' families.

This morning, he was "killed" by a cop. My reaction?

I learned more details about the situation and about the killer-turned-killed so that I could have a properly shaped opinion: he raped young women. Has a long history of violence, including but not limited to killing police officers. I'm not an apologist. I'm just wondering the age old question: is it nature or is it nurture? His family helped him evade arrest, even though he has an well documented history of this type of behavior. Was he born a bad seed and then shaped into something more horrible over time? From the surface, on the macro level...why is this happening?

My opinion?

...some things might be better left unsaid. How should I feel? Were the murders avenged? Or was he in need of help that the law was not providing for him, as a Black man in a white-run system? I've seen the good things done by the police but I also know the bad things that have been done. Does that make a difference? What's right in this situation?

I wrote this in hopes of discovering my feelings on the incident...

...but my feelings aren't relevent. What's "right" is...but what, exactly, is that?

Be righteous...

Tiger Woods

Having been accused at times of being both racially biased and biased based on gender, I feel the need to post on the recent Tiger Woods incident. However, I will say that I feel less than informed enough to "side"; abuse is wrong whatever the form, but like I said in my post about Chris Brown and Rihanna, I only know what I know from what's been delivered by the media. I'm tired of seeing things like "Tiger Woods gets 'Chris Browned'" or "Becky beat Tiger Woods and doesn't go to jail" or "...but if he would have hit her back, ____ would happen". As a result of my academic work and my personal experiences, I do know that there is absolutely an imbalance when it comes to male victims of sexual and domestic violence. On top of the discrepencies in prosecuting violence perpetrated by women toward men, there are differences in prosecuting crimes that are perpetrated by whites toward "minorities".

All though, every variation of this conversation tends to be along the lines of "the brotha got beated up by a white woman". Race certainly matters not, and I am noticing a lot of people wanting to qualify his victimization. No person deserves to fall victim to abuse -- no matter what people think they've done to precipitate it. I don't think it's excused, but that there are different excuses people are willing to deliver: "he was cheating', 'it was a woman', 'should have been doing ___/shouldnt have been dealing with white chicks'; it all becomes quite exhausting to hear as an advocate against violence. People don't realize that, much like everything that is said about women victims of sexual and relationship violence, these excuses and rationalizations on top of the imbalance where the law stands serve as reasons why male victims do not seek help.

She will not be arrested unless he presses charges (as with many other domestic violence situations). Many men do not press charges for many reasons; some to do with how we view masculinity and some are the same reasons women victims do not -- they're married, have children together, they want to move past it, etc. I think that in the public eye there are many versions and judgments to be made but legally, things can be done if he is willing to know his options and act on them.

That said, every other opinion I have on the incident falls in the same realm as the Chris Brown and Rihanna post. Remember the affect the things you say can have on other people.

Be Righteous.