Letter to Oprah

Dear Oprah,

While I respect your ability become on of the most powerful people in America, as a Black woman, I am not a fan. As a matter of fact, there are days where I feel as though I could not dislike you more for the dangerous messages that you have thrown to the public, either intentionally or unintentionally. I do think that you have the ability to philanthropically provide more in terms of becoming inspiring to young Black women. I have heard many sisters, younger and older, describe their desire to be like you; however, I think that they would like having your image and power and not your character. In fact, I am blogging so angrily right now about your current show topic, "Inside the Minds of Child Molesters" and it is not even half way over. I am not a fan, Oprah; I do not watch your show regularly. I used to want to be like you too, but it was about being capable of casting a positive shadow and outlet for young Black women to grow into if they so choose. I'm not perfect. I'm not wanting to be revered as a goddess; I do, however, want to help provide education and inspiration to Black girls at home, because heaven knows that they need it, especially if some parents just aren't providing it for them. The fact is, O, that while you prance around like you went from Sophia to Harpo Industries and should be worshiped on that basis alone, you have become, in my eyes, not much more than a high-folutin' Auntie, and I honestly just can't take it any more.

Oprah, what the hell is this "Inside the Minds of Child Molesters" bullshit? You made quite a few counterrevolutionary points, and as a survivor of sexual abuse, you should know better! My becoming physically ill at your show today was the last straw because, you know what? It was not the first time and I think that you just have to be stopped. There is no respect in my disagreement because you very rarely pick a stance and stay in it; Oprah, I was honestly proud of you for putting your foot down with the Chris Brown situation. Can you just tell me why you did a segment that pretty much decriminalized child molesters? At one point, you made the comment that if child molestation is done right, it will not hurt and agreed with a molester that parents have to be more aware! My stars, I am so very disappointed in the positive you could have done with this.

I understand that these people are people; but you know what? Not all child molesters have the gall to puff up their chests and contend that they did these acts because they love children. As a matter of fact, I've read studies that say that the molestation is not about the child, but about children in general, especially if they are prepubescent. I am willing to bet that many survivors of child sexual abuse have been triggered as a result of this show.

I am very deeply and sincerely disappointed in you. I am confused by your motives in this show because it never really got to a point. In fact, it was just kinda like "hey, look at me, I'm interviewing child molesters". I would like to hope that you wanted to do good in this endeavor, but I would also be willing to say that you are have failed. I hope that your fame and attention grabbing is worth all of the negative that you have potentially caused.

Be Righteous.

Sigh II.

Growing up without my grandmother living in state wasn't too difficult. By the time she moved to North Carolina, I was off at college and still only saw her occasionally but I talked to her all the time. She was one of my inspirations, even through our tough times (there were times that we didn't speak at all, but every family has issues). I talked to her on the phone all the time, especially when she was ailing. When something began to bother me, I'd have to talk to her.

After she passed last year, it just didn't dawn on me. I was devastated after coming home post-graduation to help take care of her, and was locked away for quite sometime. It hurt; she was one of my best friends and I certainly got my fashion sense from her. After a while, though, it was like she was just was still in New York or I was still off at school -- especially with my hectic work schedule.

...until I just picked up the phone and involuntarily began dialing her number. It's been a crazy last few days. I think I'm going to have to take a brain-break from everything and just relax.

Sigh.

As a self-identifying feminist and a firm believer in girl power and an "I don't need anyone to do it for me" attitude (I mean, if I wanted to do something, I COULD really do it), I do have multiple sides to who I am: I like to be pretty and can be quite "domestic" at times, but I also have an incredibly low tolerance for genderilazations; I am who I am and it isn't because I am a girl.

I drive a truck, and there's no convoluted gender-based Napoleon complex behind it; I got a deal and I like to ride big. That's it.

Well, once I got my truck not-so-long-ago, I did a little research on the internet and thought that I'd be as informed as I could be about my truck, especially because it was the first vehicle that I purchased for myself!

The very first thing I learned as a kid when the internet got incredibly popular, especially in doing school work, was to use scholarly sources because anybody can post some bullshit on the internet. But, oh, 15 years later, I found some bullshit article/forum online and some schmuck convinced me that my car was equipped to handle this snow. Now, having grown up and lived in the South the majority of my life, I've also never had to use 4 Wheel Drive, so I never thought about it. Until "Snowmaggadeon".

So, after getting beautiful and preparing to break the heck out after over 72 consecutive hours in the house, my uncle came in the house and shook his head. Because apparently, my truck is not equipped with 4 Wheel Drive.

So, I'm still stuck. And going out of my mind.

What is stupidity again?

Stupidity.

After recently having a conversation about my hyper-self consciousness in speaking to certain people out of concern for sounding less than intelligent and commenting on Sarah Palin's lack of intelligence in a post regarding her talking slick about our current administration, I stumbled upon a 2003 grade-B documentary called "Stupidity". It was released on The documentary channel in Canada, apparently, and in looking to maintain my sanity while snowed in, I decided to do some mental exercises; after all, the brain is a muscle.

Honestly, it was quite enjoyable. It begs the question of why stupidity is "cool" and qualities like intelligence (not to be confused with education) are viewed as less than desirable. Why are apparent simpletons the most successful? Absolutely something that I constantly consider given my upbringing and current situation.

I learned a lot watching this, and was genuinely amused by the documentary. As a matter of fact, having one of my two minors in Sociology, we discussed the topic in a course on the Sociology of Education. In the beginning of the documentary, people on the street were asked to define "stupidity" and words similar. As with any label, it always blows my mind when people use certain words, ideas, and definitions without knowing what they mean.

Cons: largely, my problem with the documentary was a point made in the beginning using Biblical characters as fact and history, but providing no bridge to our current societal state. Also, much of the movie talked around the point and I was left unsatisfied, like he never really got to what he wanted to say.

However, I absolutely enjoyed the point of the documentary. I think that it is important to illustrate and redefine intelligence as it relates to popularity and power. There was some information thrown in there, especially in the definition thrown in about the origin of the word "dunce" and how, at such an early point in society, the alienation of intelligence began and evolved into a characteristic currently revered as less than popular. Check it out sometime.

Be Righteous.

Triggers.

The purpose of this blog is certainly not by any means to serve as a journal; I don't want to describe my inner feelings about the things that have happened in my life. I'd much rather share my opinions and have someone feel me, so that I know I'm not the only person on earth that knows the difference between "right" and "wrong". I'm not a black-and-white type of girl; I live for the gray area because I know and have seen exceptions to everything that I believe. Even outside of the internet world, there are few people I share the intimacies of my life with, but in all truth, I'm one of those "I-can-handle-this-alone" types of people. I'm not big on keeping secrets. Not at all. I'm an open book; I guess one of the characteristics that I inherited from my detective-dad is my "just the facts" mindset. I can tell you anything you want to know about what is happening and I can do it without including my emotions on it. That was all an aside; I just wanted to prepare dear readers for a "how I'm feeling" post.

So. Heregoes:

Yesterday, something happened that has not happened for well over a year: for some reason, I began thinking and contemplating the details of my being sexually assaulted years ago. Some days, it seems like an eternity ago; something in the distant past that has developed me into the force of nature that I work toward in my daily life. I had therapy for a very long time and dealt with the initial physical-psychosocial-emotional scarring constantly reminiscent in all of my actions, thoughts, and beliefs. For a very long time, I hadn't even stopped to think about this - one of the most traumatic things that had ever happened to me - because when I speak about it, I talk as if I'm talking about a friend or client of mine from back in the day.

Fact: being raped happened exactly a week after my birthday. So, for every year after it happened, I was constantly locked away to deal with myself for the entire month of November. It became less a lonely dealing eventually with my incredible circle of friends (who encouraged my epic party-and-worry-about-the-bullshit-later attitude adjustment), but it has always been there. Fact: last year, I did not think about my rape at all during the month of November. As a matter of fact, I didn't even realize the date had passed because I was incredibly happy and well-balanced in everything in my life. I had come to realize what my very close friend meant in lecturing me about "celebrating anniversaries of bad shit".

Even when I think about it now, I block out many specific details because this guy doesn't control the person I am, nor did he control the person I became in order to survive that night. Yesterday, though, for some reason, I really pondered on it. It was a tiny trigger that totally blew my mind for two reasons: 1. I am human and this traumatic occurrence did happen to me, and 2. Why the hell am I so suddenly consumed in the thoughts of it after not looking directly back to it for so long?

I have a tight circle of inspirational sisters that are very active in the Womanist/Black Feminist anti-discrimination/anti-sexual violence/anti-discrimination/anti-average-stereotypical-bullshit movement. One of my biggest inspirations and motivators is sister Aishah Shahidah Simmons, the mothermind behind "No! The Rape Documentary". Last year, she invited me to a conference dealing with Sexual Assault and what the Black Church can offer in terms of support and awareness to victims, survivors, and secondary victims. (Aside, she introduced me to the congregation as her Sister Warrior and I very much take pride in being recognized in my activist ventures and passion toward the movement...especially by one of my heroines.)

During the conference, Aishah said something to me about triggers; that even when the pain is gone, there will sometimes always be triggers. I could sympathize completely. There is actually one part of the documentary that is so chillingly similar to my own rape that I have to take a deep breath and woosa. But that tended to be the only trigger for me. I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm balanced, and I am at peace with myself and driven toward my future. I'm a go getter and a mover, and I am very much capable of conquering all the attempts to intimidate me. I am strong, and I accept myself. I overstand the things I am confronted with. I am livication. Yesterday, though, the thoughts of my own traumatization really threw me off.

I truly believe that one of my purposes in life while I'm busy snatching pearls from my oyster-of-a-world is to serve as an inspiration to survivors and to work toward a brighter path to healing, if there is a such thing. I am glad that I was brought to a place where I had to face myself yesterday. I tend to forget that I am human at times, and I push myself to my own limits. I'm grateful.

Be Righteous.

Attitudes Toward Rape.

One of the more sickening things of my experiences as an activist and self-proclaimed cultural anthropologist, if you will, is examining the attitudes that are prevalent in certain communities and trying to understand why they are the way they are. For instance, for my undergraduate thesis, I wrote about the historical evolution of rape in Black women (by all men, not just intra-racially) in American society from slavery to contemporary times. I also examined the current resources available, and the criticisms of what may be lacking. Aside, I am quite proud of this work because I think that working toward such a cause can, hopefully, yield awareness and enlightenment. I think that the Black community subconsciously recycles poisonous attitudes about many issues, and the main issue that I find myself concerned with is sexual abuse and domestic violence as it relates to any person; self-care is important in dealing with said issue and Black women are traditionally handed an attitude that says "take care of your community" instead of "take care of yourself". I have also found that a contemporary split in this mindset is the fact that Black women are taught so many different things about identity: who are we? Who are we supposed to be? What are we supposed to look like? Is this sexy? How old should we be before we have kids? Is marriage an option? There is a constant identity crisis..and this reinforces negative concepts and victim blaming in the minds of many Black women without thoroughly evaluating why our opinions are as they are.

I know I should not be surprised when visiting mediatakeout.com (which I do not take seriously by any means; I truly go visit to research the interactions encouraged by online commenters and moderators..it's a project I've been working on for another book idea I am toying with). At any rate, I am never really surprised at the ignorance and stereotypical slander that is thrown around the site. For example, an article was recently posted about the rape allegations thrown toward NFL's Michael Irvin. Apprently, there is a civil suit in place about a sexual assault that allegedly occured in 2007. People tend to think that the court system works a lot like Law and Order, and it clearly does not happen that quickly -- whether civil or criminal. And often times, criminal charges are not filed for a variety of reasons. Aside, though, some of the comments were intensely disrespectful and it made me wonder...what OTHER ways are there to get the message out about the appropriate measures in dealing with sexual assault? I do understand that not every "victim" claiming to be a "victim" is truthful. However, why not err on the side of caution? There are so many reasons that abuse is not reported, and many of these deal with the victims own guilt/doubt about the attack. Anyway, some comments are as follows:

These celebs better start filming sh*t for vindication later... I don't think he did that crap! Disgruntled whore that's all. Sucks he lost his job

Women nowadays are becoming more scandalous.

Dam shame! That's some real live BS tho. If it happened in 07', why she feel da need 2 come 4ward in 2010? And when will these famous guys quit f-ing their life up 4 a piece of puss that is plottin on yall a*s from da get! stop smashin those triflin ho*s & find a real woman! I don't feel sorry 4 u, or Kobe, or Tyson etc.

This is why I stay away from black men. Sistas you gambling with your life when you stay with black men.

damn

why u wait so long to press charges

she grown, why is she being identified as a jane doe--was she a minor when this supposed to have happened...need more info cuz fred has confused me

Ok so SHE drank too much alcohol to the point of her losing all of her faculties right?..See They need surveillance cameras to prove this one.Becoz if she walked to that room on her own accord with 2 men?...The Prosecution has no case.What ever she does once she gets inside that room is on her...She was a grown woman,1 woman 2 men?..you do the math!..But If this IS true in ANY sense, Mike should be ashamed of himself...isn't he married,and supposedly a Christian Man?.*shruggz*...He shouldn't even be caught up in no mess like this!..

No proof of wrongdoing & he still loses his job. That's that bullsh*t. Why would a rich man rape a bitch in the wh0re capital of America anyway? Them bunny ranch wh0res are cleaner than most regular chicks. This story reeks of bullsh*t.

BLACK MEN ARE THEIR OWN WORST ENEMY AND REALLY S T U P I D!! When Jane Doe gets identified, and eventually she will, watch her real name be B E C K Y! DUMBASS BLACK GUYS! HA, HA!!

It's ourageous, and sickening. The victim's race wasn't identified, and you know what - that's cool. This is about the overall attitude toward rape/sexual assault accusations. I do what I can, but what else can I do? How else do we reach the people? How do we open the minds of the apparent younger generation?

Be Righteous.

The Safe Negro Match-Maker

Well, I know it's quite silly to take a (two?) month haitus from a blog that just started, but my life is seemingly a perpetual state of chaos. I did think of quite a few things to share with the blog universe, but the opportunity to sit and unload my mind was just too far buried under the long work days (and nights), and the moves that I've been making.

The good news? I'm back!

Well, something that I've been most interested in sharing with the rest of the internet is a series of incidents that occured between myself and a white woman that I worked with at one of my several jobs. While I understand that "2010" doesn't necessarily translate to social intelligence any more than "1910", it always befuddles me when people make racially based assumptions about a person they barely know. What's more is that in "post-racial America", people are losing sight of what's actually appropriate .

So, said lady is an intern, actually, and an older woman. She was sent to various local restaurants in search of donations for an event, and when she came back, the conversation was as follows:

Intern: I found the perfect man for you.
Me: (awkwardly) oh?
Intern: Yes. He owns the Zaxby's around the corner, and he is...well -- just a really attractive Black man.
Me: (Not feeding into it) Umm..oh.
Intern: I mean, just an attractive Black man.
Me: Um, well. i'm..not...really...looking for...anything.
Intern: Man! I didn't look to see if he had on a wedding ring. I've been married for twenty-somethin' years, and so I just avoid peeking at that finger at all.

Pause.First set of assumptions: I'm young and single (and likely discontent with being so), and as such, I would love anybody to hook me up with any Black man they can find. Because I only like men, and only if they are Black.

Me: (Ignoring intern and completing notes)
Intern: (to nearly everyone in my part of the office) Guys, I found the perfect guy for Livication!
Me: (long sigh)
Intern: (to me) He drives a really nice SUV too.
Me: (trying to avoid being rude) Oh?
Intern: Yeah, a Jeep I think. None of those rims on it or anything.

Pause.Second set of assumptions: She should be praised and glorified for having found my soulmate, since all you have to do is put a Black man and woman in the room together for them to fall in love. And no rims? He's a safe negro and not a thug, so I'll love him. Regardless of my upbringing or general taste, my having a college education automatically makes me more attracted to Blair Underwood than Lil Weezy.

Me: Please...stop...
Intern: I mean, I'm telling you...he's got money because he owns a Zaxby's.
Me: Isn't Zaxby's a fastfood restaurant?
Intern: Yeah, but he's the owner of this one.
Me: (long sigh, and then under my breath) Well, you know how us coloreds love chicken..
Intern: Oh, and his name is Samuel; a good, strong, Biblical name.

Pause. Third set of assumptions and major fuckeduppedness: Fact - Black people enjoy chicken. They can enjoy free chicken together. Also, those Coloreds are intensely religious; I'm quite sure that the fact that his name is Biblical will sway her toward him. Religion is okay to discuss in the work place because we are all Christians! For the record, I am without any formal religious affiliation.

After this, I walked out of the room for a while. She did, however, encourage the rest of the (white) volunteers to discuss this because she felt she had done something great. Telling her to lay off didn't help, and going off on her would have encouraged the angry Black woman to come out.

I could not have made up something more bizarre. It was completely surreal in the most awful and awkward way. I mean, what the hell? What part of any of that was appropriate?